Romantic literature defends the thesis that it is better to go through ups and downs in life rather than leading a smooth and peaceful existence. I have my doubts about their exaltation of adventure, but when it comes to real life, none of us is afforded the luxury of perfect smoothness and peace.
Seneca (4 BC-65 AD) was conscious of the detrimental role played by heartbreak and grief in human existence. Some men and women bring about their own misery, for instance because they engage in reckless behaviour; others are simply victims of circumstances. In all cases, heartbreak and grief can make bad situations even worse.
I reckon that, amongst all Stoic philosophers, Seneca gave the most sensible advice for dealing with heartbreak and grief. His recommendations remain valuable today, twenty centuries after he had consigned them to paper, but require some minor adaptations.
Seneca provides his universal prescription in the 20th Letter to Lucilius, where he advises us to “moderate our desires,” although in a different context. His views are drawn from three centuries earlier, from the writings of Epicurus (341-270 BC).
The 20th Letter is coupling the material with the intangible by referring to Epicurus advice to Pythocles: The best way to grow wealthier is to moderate one’s desires. Seneca is using the quotation from Epicurus in the sense of physical desires and professional ambitions, amongst others.
How does this recommendation apply to individuals that are suffering from heartache or grief? Their suffering comes from the desire to have reality changed, recover their lost fortune, get their lost friend back, or resurrect their deceased spouse.
Seneca: feasibility instead of fantasy
Seneca calls for moderating our desires in good times and bad times; excessive ambition will prove as pernicious as blind faith in the impossible. The wise man knows the difference between fantasy and feasibility, and avoids the former.
Heartache and grief are aggravated when individuals look at others that seem to enjoy vast advantages. The impression that other people are luckier can magnify one’s feelings of misery. I find it sensible of Seneca’s to clarify, also in the 20th Letter, that such public images of power and wealth tend to be transient.
Seneca remarks that many people who occupy a powerful or influential position will be quickly forgotten upon their passing and nobody will pay homage to their feats. It is thus irrational to compare oneself to public images that may not depict solid achievement or enjoyment.
Heartbreak and grief are best combatted by focusing on the best kind of role models: people who have surmounted failure and hardships. I’m referring to individuals who have personally experienced setbacks and have emerged triumphant.
In the 33rd Letter to Lucilius, Seneca warns us against weak role models. Victims of heartache and grief should pay special attention to this recommendation. Seneca invoked Pythagoras (6th century BC) as an example of teachers “who not only talk, but also do as they say.”
Seneca: choose effective role models
Seneca’s advice requires a minor adaptation in our century. I am aware that few people today will seek to imitate Pythagoras because his lifestyle and teachings are too foreign to our mores and expectations. The truth is that most people nowadays draw their inspiration from movies, television and pop music, not from ancient philosophers.
Nevertheless, the essence of Seneca’s advice remains valid. It all revolves around the type of people we choose to imitate. I can choose, in times of trouble, to watch pessimistic movies or optimistic ones. I can choose literature that portrays heroes and creative solutions instead of defeatism and passivity.
Seneca also warns his readers against drunkenness and lack of temperance in general. In our century, there are a great deal of substances as dangerous as alcohol, but in Seneca’s writings, the warning focuses on excessive wine consumption.
Heartache and grief can push people to consume substances that obliterate consciousness for a while, but those substances will only render their problems much worse.
In the 83rd Letter to Lucilius, Seneca recalls how Alexander the Great (356-323 BC), in a moment of drunkenness, had killed his close friend Clitus. No matter how severe one’s grief and heartache, we should steer away from substances that will make us lose control and possibly wreak havoc.
Seneca’s prescriptions for dealing with heartache and grief have been proven effective in history, but to be convinced, one needs more than anecdotes of long dead Greeks and Romans.
Seneca’s insights and Thomas Lipton
In order to internalise the precepts enunciated by Seneca, I favour reading biographies of individuals who have triumphed in spite of severe setbacks. The adaptation of Seneca’s insights to the present takes place automatically when we read stories of high achievers from the last two centuries.
The biography of Thomas Johnstone Lipton (1848-1931) is particularly beneficial in this respect. It took Lipton decades of hard work to get his tea business off the ground and his modest family background only rendered his success more admirable.
Seneca would have praised Lipton for limiting his desires in circumstances where those desires proved unattainable. Let me just mention a few examples.
Lipton would have preferred to attend high school and enrol in university, but he never got the chance. His family had fled Ireland for Scotland, hoping to find a better life, but they never raised themselves from semi-poverty. As a result, Lipton had to quit school in his early teens because he had to earn a living.
Similarly, Lipton would have preferred to stay close to his family, but the lack of economic perspectives prompted him to emigrate to the United States in 1865, when he was about to turn eighteen. He remained there five years, working in retail and agriculture, before returning to Scotland.
Seneca’s second piece of advice, imitating beneficial role models, was followed to the utmost by Lipton. When he was back in Scotland, he opened a grocery shop where he intended to put in practice merchandising methods used in America.
Nonetheless, Lipton found it hard to succeed as a grocery retailer. Once again, Seneca’s advice played a determinant role in improving Lipton’s situation: Can we become wealthier by limiting our desires?
Epictetus and Seneca were referring to spiritual wealth, but Lipton applied the same principle to his business. After fifteen years of mixed success as a grocer, he decided to limit himself to the most profitable commodity, namely tea.
Lipton developed an integrated business, which started with tea plantations in Ceylon, and encompassed transportation and packaging under his own brand.
Eventually, Lipton attained a huge success, but his progress would have been stalled if he had not let go of the heartache and grief caused by poverty, emigration and initial failures as a businessman. Seneca would have been proud to see the benefit that, in real life, one can draw from his prescriptions.
If you are interested in putting rational ideas into practice, I recommend my book titled “Against all odds: How to achieve great victories in desperate times.”
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