Inflation in usage has devalued the word “friend.” In today’s parlance, “friend” doesn’t even mean acquaintance. People call “friends” individuals they have never met and with whom they have little in common.
Michel de Montaigne (1533-1592) wrote extensively about friendship, which he rightly viewed as one of the greatest joys in life. His essay “On friendship” is known to students of the French language because of its high literary and philosophical value.
However, I must first of all state that Montaigne employed the term “friend” carefully and sparingly. He did not call mere acquaintances “friends” because, in his youth, he had already figured out that friendship requires shared values and interests.
Montaigne defined friendship as a process that is initially spontaneous, but then takes deep roots over time. He regarded friendship as a process because its two essential components, trust and mutual admiration, need to be developed over time.
Michel de Montaigne’s essay “On friendship”
Ethics plays a key role in friendship, argued Montaigne, due to the need for friends to hold common values. I am of course referring to positive values such as honesty, justice, ambition, and rationality.
In the absence of ethical values, people may associate for a while to accomplish a particular goal, but they’ll quickly split as soon as the goal has been achieved.
The same principle applies to commercial and professional relations. They can be cordial and pleasant, but in the absence of shared moral values, they are bound to remain superficial.
Montaigne acknowledged the benefits of trade, politeness, and cordiality, but regarded those as lubricants that make social interactions more efficient; the smile of the merchant can make transactions easier, but should not be necessary trusted upon.
What are the characteristics of a true friend? How does one make new friends? To which extent is it workable to befriend people that hold different ethical values?
Montaigne replied to those questions by means of historical and literary examples. As an ideal example of friendship, he pointed to Achilles and Patroclus, as portrayed by Homer in his “Iliad” (around 700 BC).
Montaigne’s narrow definition of friendship
Homer recounts that, when Patroclus is killed in the course of the Trojan War, Achilles vows to avenge him at any cost. A good part of the “Iliad” is devoted to how Achilles effects his revenge.
Montaigne also recalls the friendship between Pythias and Damon, as recounted by Cicero (106-43 BC) in his essay titled “On duties.”
Cicero tells us that, four centuries earlier, Dionysus I, king of Syracuse had sentenced Pythias to death, but Pythias’ friend Damon then offered himself as a hostage to allow Pythias time to say goodbye to his family and dictate his last will.
Dionysus was not expecting Pythias to return to Syracuse, because the return would put an end to Pythias’ life. However, Pythias did return, and declared to Dionysus that he was ready to die in order to release his friend Damon from captivity.
Cicero concludes the story by saying that the unbreakable loyalty between the two friends made such a deep impression on king Dionysus that he decided to set them free. Seldom had he witnessed such a profound trust between friends.
Montaigne’s closest friend was Etienne de La Boetie (1530-1563), who then passed away fairly young. They had met in Bordeaux while both of them were practising law. At that time, La Boetie was already writing essays and poems.
La Boetie had circulated his works amongst friends, asking for their opinion. Montaigne regarded La Boetie as a talented writer and conveyed his admiration at every opportunity. Years later, Montaigne ended up publishing La Boetie’s poems.
Montaigne on how to make friends
Montaigne addressed the question of how to make friends by referring to Aristotle (384-322 BCE) and the “Nicomachean Ethics.” He subscribed to the Aristotelian view that friendship must be earned, not purchased. It is earned by mean of virtues such as honesty, ambition, self-confidence and rationality.
Nonetheless, Montaigne acknowledged that there is a factor of chance in making friends. If he had not met Etienne de La Boetie in Bordeaux, he would have missed a kindred soul and years of interesting conversations and literary inspiration.
What philosophical lessons can we draw from Montaigne’s essay “On friendship”? First, that friendship shall be viewed as a long-term process; there are no overnight friendships because they take substantial time to initiate, develop, and solidify.
Second, that friendship must be earned by one’s values and interests. Montaigne defined friends as “people united by fate,” but he did not mean united by magic. He used the term “fate” to mean coincidence aided by pre-existing personal qualities.
Third, that there cannot be true friendship without loyalty and trust. He gives Damon and Pythias as prime examples, but he is not implying that friends should die for each other.
What Montaigne means is that, in a true friendship, there is no place for lies, misrepresentation or abuse. There is also no place for harshness or impoliteness because friendship rests on shared ethical values that are practised daily.
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